Would you care to analyze?

I was recently asked when I was going to stop analyzing, relax and enjoy life. Great question!

Seems like I've always done my best to reflect on what happens to me to better understand myself and relate to the world but.....what a fucking trap!

I haven't given it up completely (of course!) but when I find myself asking (what if?) questions, I try to (fucking ) relax.

When, as an addict, I filled up time storing up fear and using my substance of choice to soothe that fear, I fucked with my ability to relax naturally. I have to work at it sometimes these days. Most days, I can release what bubbles up inside me.....take a deep breath and know that I am OK exactly the way I am. That thought helps me to relax and instead of tensing up, notice what goes on during these times. For example, the role I play at work is probably about to change. I am at the top of my game in my current role and it scares the hell out of me to think that I might have to start over.......that I might have to prove myself again.....can't I just be fucking mediocre?!

Life was easier with substances in some ways. I had a way to numb out the feelings that I didn't want to feel......fear, anger, disappointment, mediocrity, lonliness, tired or anything else that presented a challenge. Now I have to learn how to deal with the shit and sometimes I enjoy it. Sometimes it sucks. If I'm honest, it's all still better than it was when I was using. It's real, it's true......and I have people in my life that love me....and who I love.....for the first time on my many years on this planet.

I also love myself as corny as that fucking sounds. I can make myself promises that I live up to. I like who I see in the mirror.

Someone else told me that self-esteem is doing esteemable acts one at a time. What's next?

My wedding vows

What is a vow? More than a promise? Solemn? Serious?

In our culture, people break their vows everyday....wedding vows especially. How do I make those vows mean something?

I will always laugh with you. You make my heart light.

Do we create the solemnity of vows for ourselves everyday? To mean something does a vow need time behind it? Can a vow begin this moment? Can I wake up each day thinking only of the next 24 hours and know that my vows are there?

I will cry with you, for what touches your heart touches mine.

Maybe like time, vows are meaningful in the moment. Since we only have this minute, this present to know, that is where the meaning lies. If I think of them in terms of years, it's overwhelming....but for this moment, can I.....?

I will be honest. I will trust you. I will support you because the best of you recognizes the best of me.

How do I know?

I am a better person with you in my life. I will love you through it all.