In Defence of the Holy Institution of Marriage

OK......I know there are tons of gay men out there that have written on this subject but hear me out.....

It came to me as a revelation. I was walking down the street, talking to my boyfriend and it hit me. Marriage should be outlawed. What exactly have straight people done with it? They have managed to get it right 50% of the time. Not a bad record if you are a baseball player but not great if you are planning the invasion of Iraq (Oh, drop bombs on the bad guys about 50% of the time.....but I digress..).

We're talking about relationships. People get married because they think that they will be with the person they are marrying for the rest of their lives. Half of them are wrong about a lifeltime decision. How carefully did they really think about the decision? How committed are they to making it work?

But enough of my judgement of straight people.....instead of making relationships this ALL or NOTHING kind of bargain, could we just agree to be together as long as we loved each other? The Wiccan ceremony of handfasting (marriage) is one that strikes me as particularly honest. Let's vow that we will be together as long as we love each other.....and they have a ceremony for handparting as well. Easy to get in and easy to get out....would that make people think any more?

Master and Servant

I recently had a conversation with a friend that was entertaining but also left me thinking about it more.....

In the conversation I told my friend that I belive all relationships are about power and control. While definately not conscious, we are making power and control decisions all the time. When you go out, who pays? When you choose what to do, who decides? There are an infinite number of little ways that the power/control dynamic gets played out.

Now my friend believes in "two souls meeting in the night," as I sarcastically summed it up for him. He could not subscribe to my theory. He belives that two people come together and when it's right things just work.

While I agree with him, I think it's because the power/control stuff flows naturally. She likes to decide what you two do together and you like that.....it feels natural. In some ways, it is the definition of the magic spark that happens between people. We describe it as fitting together or any number of other ways, but it is the dynamics of how the relationship works naturally.

Folks that participate in dominant/submissive relationships are really just being more honest about what happens between people than the rest of us. We dance around it and choose to believe in romantic notions of what happens between us.

Transformation

Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words

That you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

I stumbled over this song recently while running. It very accurately descibes where I am right now. Just broke up with someone who I had dated for six months.

As the song began to play and I really heard the words, I started to cry. Now, if you have never seen a grown man running, crying, nose running.....it is not a pretty sight. I'm sure several residents of Norcross were asking themselves "What the fuck?"

It is a difficult truth that we only have today. I have spent so much time worrying about the past and worrying about the future. It was a freeing thought that I only have to decide how to write today's page....minute by minute. The ironic truth is that although my ex is the one who helped me see this idea more clearly than I have seen it in the past, I was allowing him to write the script of my life and speak my words for me.

This song could only have meaning for me now...after the relationship had ended.

Would you care to analyze?

I was recently asked when I was going to stop analyzing, relax and enjoy life. Great question!

Seems like I've always done my best to reflect on what happens to me to better understand myself and relate to the world but.....what a fucking trap!

I haven't given it up completely (of course!) but when I find myself asking (what if?) questions, I try to (fucking ) relax.

When, as an addict, I filled up time storing up fear and using my substance of choice to soothe that fear, I fucked with my ability to relax naturally. I have to work at it sometimes these days. Most days, I can release what bubbles up inside me.....take a deep breath and know that I am OK exactly the way I am. That thought helps me to relax and instead of tensing up, notice what goes on during these times. For example, the role I play at work is probably about to change. I am at the top of my game in my current role and it scares the hell out of me to think that I might have to start over.......that I might have to prove myself again.....can't I just be fucking mediocre?!

Life was easier with substances in some ways. I had a way to numb out the feelings that I didn't want to feel......fear, anger, disappointment, mediocrity, lonliness, tired or anything else that presented a challenge. Now I have to learn how to deal with the shit and sometimes I enjoy it. Sometimes it sucks. If I'm honest, it's all still better than it was when I was using. It's real, it's true......and I have people in my life that love me....and who I love.....for the first time on my many years on this planet.

I also love myself as corny as that fucking sounds. I can make myself promises that I live up to. I like who I see in the mirror.

Someone else told me that self-esteem is doing esteemable acts one at a time. What's next?

My wedding vows

What is a vow? More than a promise? Solemn? Serious?

In our culture, people break their vows everyday....wedding vows especially. How do I make those vows mean something?

I will always laugh with you. You make my heart light.

Do we create the solemnity of vows for ourselves everyday? To mean something does a vow need time behind it? Can a vow begin this moment? Can I wake up each day thinking only of the next 24 hours and know that my vows are there?

I will cry with you, for what touches your heart touches mine.

Maybe like time, vows are meaningful in the moment. Since we only have this minute, this present to know, that is where the meaning lies. If I think of them in terms of years, it's overwhelming....but for this moment, can I.....?

I will be honest. I will trust you. I will support you because the best of you recognizes the best of me.

How do I know?

I am a better person with you in my life. I will love you through it all.